Resolve (by Sakai Ryuuji)

He took the Tokyo U. entrance exams again this year. This was his third time in all; in other words, he was a second-year ronin(*), and would soon be at the limits of his physical and emotional strength. He decided to entrust his final hopes to this shot. If he passed, then he would officially become a student at Tokyo U. But if he didn’t pass, he resolved, he would man up and die.

So it was rather cruel that his number was left out when they announced the passing applicants.

He staggered through the town like a shell whose soul had already gone. No, to be precise, he was looking for a place to commit suicide. Eventually he came across an office building just right for dying. Adequate height, and it didn’t stand out much. Thinking that he would be able to die without being seen by anyone, he climbed the building’s stairs, one flight after another.

The rooftop was surprisingly windless, and sounds from the ground below could be heard only faintly. There was a stillness that strengthened his resolve to die even further. He approached the iron railing.

He thought to himself, “No memories, and no regrets. Dying should be easy, right?” and climbed over the railing. But only a moment later he climbed back. Something had caught his eye.

He picked it up. There was a man’s shoe and a letter with “Will and Testament” written on it. He opened the letter. From its contents, he identified it as belonging to a Tokyo U. student. It had been good to be accepted into the prestigious university, but after spending a year without any goals, the student had apparently become disappointed with life and committed suicide.

When he looked down, there was indeed a person’s lifeless body on the ground below. They were clearly dead. He looked at the pitiful figure for a while. “I want to live,” he murmured absently. It seemed to him that death was an incredibly foolish, rather boring thing.

First he made a report to the police. Naturally he didn’t give his name. Then he went home and told his family about the test results. “No dice.” Everyone was disappointed, but seeing that he was being cheerful about it they all encouraged him, and that night they held a modest consolation party.

He felt thankful to the dead Tokyo U. student. He had been gifted with the most precious part of human life. He resolved that next year, he would try again, and that night for the first time in a long time, he slept soundly.

And then up the stairs, slowly and soundlessly, came his mother. In her hand was the rope she had bought the day before.

His mother’s resolve was firm. Firm enough that it wouldn’t be changed by the actions of others.

<+ + +>

決心　－　坂井竜二

　彼は今年も東大を受験した。通算三回目、つまり二浪であり、そろそろ体力も精神力も限界であった。彼は今回に最後の望みを託し、合格なら晴れて東大生だが、もし不合格ならその時は潔く死のう、とまで決心していた。

　そして合格発表の日、彼の番号は無情にも抜けていた。

　彼は魂の抜け殻のような足どりで、ふらふらと街を歩いていた。いや、正確には自殺場所を探していたのだ。

　そのうち、死ぬにはうってつけのビルがあった。高さも適当で、さほど目立つビルでもない。これなら人に見られる事なく死ねるなと思い、彼はそのビルの階段を一段ずつ登った。

　屋上は、意外と風もなく、地上の音も微かにしか聞こえない。死の決心をますます固める静けさだった。彼は鉄柵に近づいた。

　「思い出す事も思い残す事も無いし、簡単に死ぬか」

　彼はそう思い、鉄柵をまたぎかけた。しかしすぐに引き返した。何かが目に止まったのだ。

　彼はそれを拾い上げてみた。男物の靴と、「遺書」と書いてある手紙。彼は中身を開いた。その内容から、この遺書が東大生の物と判明した。東大に受かったは良いが一年を何の目的もなく過ごしてみて人生に悲観して自殺したらしい。

　彼が下をのぞくと、地上には一体の潰れた人間の体があった。明らかに死んでいる。彼はしばらくその哀れな姿を見つめていた。

　「生きよう」彼は気づかぬ間にそう呟いていた。死がいかに馬鹿らしく、つまらぬ事か気づいたのだ。

　彼は一応、警察に通報しておいた。もちろん名前を名乗らずに、だ。そして家に帰り、家族に試験の結果を話した。「駄目だったよ」皆はがっかりしたが、彼の明るさを見て口々に励ましってくれ、その夜はささやかな残念会が開かれた。

　彼は感謝していた。死んだ東大生にだ。人生で最も大切な物を与えてくれたからだ。彼は来年、もう一度東大を受ける決心をし、その日は久しぶりにぐっすり眠った。

　そして階段を、ゆっくり足音を立てずに母親が登ってきた。手には昨日買った縄を持っている。

　母親の決心は固い。それは、他人によって変えられる事などない位であった。